Perhaps its premature...but I grow elated at this thought again...

I grow excited for the winter

for us

finally free

finally happy

finally able to love

without constraints of distance

free to tanglewrap ourselves in each other

whenever we see fit

making more memories of

soft hands on breasts,

delicate back arches,

and thicktousled hair

sticking to shimmerglistening skin

finally, I can cover you in rain

deep thunder reverberating through us both

as lightning dances off our emeraldautumn irises

finally I can bury you deep beneath my sheets

and hotheavy whisper

into your perfect ear

just how well you fit

Finally I can love you

like I've always longed to love you

and it will be so beautiful...

Restless...

So...perhaps its the general free-spirited restlessness inside of me, perhaps its something else...but I'm craving change again. I cannot stand it here, Superior is a depressing, dreary, downer of a town. Winters here are hell to get through, the university is drek, I need a life revolution...

So, I just may relocate to the Twin Cities. Better schooling, closer to Ryan, closer to home, and the program I'm looking at means I can work full time, attend classes in the evenings, study on nights that I don't have classes, see Ryan more often, and be able to get home to see the family more frequently. Not to mention the Psychology program has a Master's and Doctorate program on site, professors that are all currently in the field they are teaching, and insanely amazing networking opportunities.

Now, the tricky parts. Getting accepted, relocated, finding a place to live, a decent-paying job...but I'm up for challenges like these again...its amazing what I can accomplish when I'm not deathly ill!

I think this new beginning will be most beautiful and amazing...and I think I need it.

Wish me luck :)

Just a note...

This man may be just as ridiculous as I am...and I unabashedly love him for it.

Storybook

So...my beautiful fairytale comes to an end, I can't say that I'm all that surprised...

Why must I always live in a delusion?

An observation...

There is simply something about swinging that is so utterly freeing...

Everyone should swing more...

Reflections...

So, upon finally returning to my blog, I discovered that the last thing I wrote about was the beginning of summer...and here we are...nearing the end. It's been a good summer, a full summer. A chance to forget about the past few seasons and all their karmic disasters. A summer of sunsets and thunderstorms, a summer of learning, and growing, and healing...let's hope it continues...

Finally

I made some peace today...

Inventory

So...summer...and some sense of stability...I have a routine, the structure and schedule that I loathe, yet crave... I've stopped drifting from one to another in reckless abandonment, stealing small pieces of each in some hopes of fashioning some semblance of a whole, I've found someone that can fill that ever-present vacancy, someone who loves unconditionally, I've tried to shake off last year, the sickness, the pain, the choices, the people from it whom I'd like to forget. I work full days, each moment structured, I see Ryan, I spend time with the family, I write and paint when I get the chance...its a lovely exhaustion. The friendships that really matter are strengthened by the distance, each handwritten letter or thoughtfully typed e-mail a precious treasure. I plot and plan for the future this fall, for school, for new possibilities, for second chances. I hope...I dream...I love...

Again...for the first time...

So...here goes...

Finding the world of myspace blogging shallow and lifeless, my journey here begins...yet again.

Being unable to delete every blog that bears those words, that bears my pain, my sickness, incapable of disposing of those memories, horrid though they are, still part of what I've become...call me weak.

So, I start here, anew...

Wish me luck.